Girl, I ask myself that too sometimes.
I started as a girl who always wanted to be involved (read: the center of attention), was an extrovert, and always wanted to wear pink or red. I took space. Cut to 20ish years later, and I’ve battled multiple life wars, I’ve shaved off pieces of myself to fit spaces and people not meant for me, I live with insomnia, depression, anxiety and am recovering from burnout and a life of perfectionism. I am now more of an introvert and nowadays leaning into the greens and yellows (still a pink/red girl at heart though).
I’ve been in therapy on and off for 15 years, have taken multiple medications, have had thinning hair from stress, struggled with a sense of belonging (or lack thereof) and abandonment, have missed out on late childhood, have always been on the outside of friend groups, have had my weight vary from almost underweight to severely overweight, and relied on alcohol (and fantasy fiction) as a means to self-soothe. I’ve basically been in fight, flight or freeze for about 20 years. I say all this not to complain, but rather to emphasize that I know what it’s like.
I’m here because what I have learned along the way might just lead one other sister out of the dark. And if that’s the case, every ounce of effort I put into this blog is 100% worth it. Because you are worth encouraging and fighting for, and so am I.
I’m all about being
No get-better-quickly scams here
Listen, I’m not about to tell you that if you just do XYZ, your life will be all better in a week. It really annoys me when brands market things like that. I believe in being authentic, grounded and honest/transparent.
If I make changes to how I do things on here, I will let you know. I’m not here to trick anyone, but I’m also not here to be your personal therapist either. I know that sounds harsh, but that’s me protecting my own energy, because I need to set some boundaries.
I’m here to share my knowledge and experience with you in the hopes that it will help you process your trauma and deal with your mental illness. I’m not here to personally lead you down your path of facing that trauma, because I’m not a licensed medical professional.
I’m also not here to judge or tell you how to feel or behave. I’m just a resource and cheerleader.
How I did it
I landed in Sweden in the summer of 2023, nine days after my birthday. I had a mountain of debt, I was technically obese, I had no job lined up, and I was low on meds.
And yet, I was grateful and relieved to not have to go back to my old life. I could start over.
I got a job in Stockholm and moved the weekend before starting! I had only been to Stockholm for a few days here and there, so I basically knew nothing about the city. I was able to sublet from a young couple who eventually wanted to sell. Their apartment was big and had a gas fireplace in a prime location, so yeah, I got lucky.
I was so grateful to have a job and for the first time, I really liked my coworkers who are genuinely good people. But there was no structure to my role or team, which meant I worked like a dog.
I had an anxiety attack at the office in February. When I told my manager the next day, he said, “Well that’s not good!” in a humorous tone. I was always exhausted, mentally and physically. I sat down on the sofa one Saturday around lunchtime and the next thing I knew, it was 6pm and dark outside. I tried to stay positive at work and do my job and get along with everyone, but I was struggling.
I moved into a new sublet and not long after, I woke up from my watch alerting me to a pulse of 144bpm while not moving. I turned over in bed and got shooting pain in my chest and it hurt massively to breathe. I was diagnosed with tietze syndrome, or inflammation of the chest wall. I couldn’t carry groceries or hold a filled pot in my left hand. By June, I truly didn’t see how I would be able to stay at the company, purely from exhaustion.
I had days when my brain was screaming at me to hurt myself, at which point I had to work the rest of the day from home. I was irritable, had headaches and stomach issues, and dishes would pile up for days before I had energy to wash them. I needed a nap after showering and had work-related nightmares.
I finally met with a doctor who put me on medical leave for a month.
July was not nearly enough time to rest after everything my nervous system had been through. I started back up at work 4hrs/day, but after 5 weeks, I was back at rock bottom. I saw a meme somewhere that said, “Well, apparently rock bottom has a basement” and that’s pretty accurate for how I felt at the time.
I had to take a day off in the last week of August because I couldn’t get out of bed, my burnout and depression were that bad. In the first week of September, I sat crying in my doctor’s office. I had nothing left in me.
She saw and heard me. That is profound after years of my pain being minimized by medical practitioners (if you’re here, you’ve probably experienced that too). I told her that no amount of eating healthy and exercising could make me better and she was 100% onboard.
That following week, I moved into my beautiful new apartment outside the city that’s near nature and now I finally have a home of my own.
And here I was, able to take showers and longer walks without needing a nap after. I could also do dishes and swim laps without wearing myself out. I also stopped drinking entirely.
That said, I couldn’t spend hours in the city without exhaustion and was still easily overstimulated (kids yelling, too many people talking on the phone at the same time, or sound from the TV while someone talks to me). I still lost my thought mid-sentence and completely forgot why I got up, but not as much as before.
I wanted to dip my toes into processing my trauma, but to be honest, I was absolutely terrified. I want to set myself free, and if you’re here reading this, I know I’m not alone in that.
My body and mind are almost fully back online! I can’t tell you what a relief it is to be almost fully rid of the mental fog. I still forget things easily, meaning I still write everything down, and I’m still easily overstimulated, but progress is progress.
So far, 2025 is showering blessings and I’m here for it.
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Location
I’m based in Stockholm, Sweden.
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