It’s that time of year again when low-effort men get collective brownie points for actually putting thought into their relationships. Ahh yes, Valentine’s Day, or what my situationshipper in college called “the commercialized wholesale of emotions.” I rolled my eyes at it then but he wasn’t exactly wrong.
Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with your man treating you extra special on Valentine’s Day. It is, however, a problem if your man sees it as his one yearly opportunity to actively show you he cares.
If you no longer want to be treated like a “nice to have” when it suits, kick your low-effort man to the curb and join me on the About Damn Time side. And if you’re single and wanting a sign that living off of breadcrumbs is not acceptable, this is it.
2025 is the year we simply expect to receive as much as we give.
I don’t know why people make showing that you care out to be some monumental task. It’s not. One of the things that show me that you care is remembering what I’ve told you and then either:
(a) doing something based on that (i.e. choosing my favorite flower if – excuse me, when – you buy me flowers)
(b) referencing it in conversation at a later time.
What this tells me is that you not only listened when I was speaking to you, but you heard me. Active listening isn’t just a pedagogical approach to education; it has real implications when dating as adults. You want your partner to see and hear you because you are worth seeing and hearing. So do your job.
Take the following scenario: our anniversary is coming up in five months. If I send you a link to a $200 necklace, then I fully expect you to save $40 a month. If you spend that on two or three drinks in one night, I know you can afford it.
The real question is, can you plan for it in advance? Or, more to the point, will you? I would love the necklace, don’t get me wrong, but what will make my eyes run is knowing that you:
(a) planned ahead
(b) stuck to saving X amount a month, and
(c) listened when I told you what would make me happy and then did something about it.
You took action and didn’t just say, “oh cool” in your head and then forgot about it or thought I wasn’t being serious. Or worse, didn’t care. This is why “local man discovers effort” went viral. We are sick of low-effort men giving lip service with no action.
(Ladies, where do they get the audacity to expect wifey material with zero effort on their part?)
Going forward, I fully expect compliments and random “this made me think of you” or “I’m grateful for you.” I expect, “I really like it when you wear your hair like that” or “I love that you know so many facts about random things.”
And not just on Valentine’s Day.
This is not a one-size-fits-all approach, but works for me because I’m big on words of affirmation. Related to this is speaking well of me when hanging out with others without the expectation that I’ll find out. Knowing that you’ve got my back, without needing praise for it, really shows me that you care for me.
Going forward, I fully expect compliments and random “this made me think of you” or “I’m grateful for you.” I expect, “I really like it when you wear your hair like that” or “I love that you know so many facts about random things.”
And not just on Valentine’s Day.
This is not a one-size-fits-all approach, but works for me because I’m big on words of affirmation. Related to this is speaking well of me when hanging out with others without the expectation that I’ll find out. Knowing that you’ve got my back, without needing praise for it, really shows me that you care for me.
I am sick of always being the one to make plans, bending over backwards to come up with ideas of things my partner will like, but I’m even more sick of that partner canceling those plans last minute.
You mean to tell me that I planned a beach day to Rockaway and bought all the goods (beach umbrella, sunscreen, food) only for you to cancel that same morning? Because you’d rather play video games in your underwear or because you’re hungover?
This is a story I’ve heard countless times from my girlfriends. Low-effort men, we are not your mamas**, doormats, or playthings you can pick up and put down whenever you feel like it. If you want to be a good partner who makes his girl happy, and get a kingdom in return, then make plans and follow through.
The biggest disappointment in a relationship is realizing that the person you love doesn’t think you’re worth lifting a finger for. Don’t be that guy.
Be thoughtful during the entire relationship, not just the first week or month (the wooing). I’ve had a bad day? Buy me chocolate or plan a movie night (which can be as easy as Chinese takeout and a good movie at home). Am I crying? Hold me then make me some tea. I’ve had a good day? Make it even better by doing that one thing I keep meaning to do but am always too tired or stressed to do.
In other words, be thoughtful.
A happy and healthy relationship is built on a dual commitment to taking care of each other. You’re having a 30% day? Ok, I’ll pick up the other 70%. We’re both having 30% days? Let’s figure out how we can filter out some things so we can get through the day or evening in a loving way, à la Brené Brown.
I want the everyday kind of love. The little moments that build up to a good day.
It doesn’t have to be big and blingy and expensive. While that’s nice and fun on occasion, if you’re not consistent with your love or those few occasions (*ahem* Valentine’s Day) are the only times when you actively express your love and affection, then those big, blingy or expensive things aren’t going to mean much. There’s no foundation for them to stand on, so they’ll fall flat.
No love is better than an empty love, which is why so many women are choosing to be single. If the love we would otherwise pour into ourselves goes into a cup with holes in it, what’s in it for us? Why are we the ones constantly expected to be selfless? To love at our own expense?
No more low-effort men this year or ever again, for either of us.
P.S. There are fantastic men out there. Not all men are shitty or low-effort men. You know this. I know this. Let’s remember that as we shed the weight of the immature and face the unoriginal and inevitable “manhater” title. I just love when men conflate holding them to a higher standard as partners with hating the essence of men, don’t you?
** I don’t actually like including moms in this category because they don’t deserve shitty ass treatment stemming from low effort and disrespect either, but it seems to click for men for some absurd reason.
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