“You shouldn’t have been left on your own to figure it all out back then, and you shouldn’t have to figure it all out on your own now. Not because you’re not capable of figuring it out – but because you deserve to be seen and supported. Because you ARE worthy, not because you’re not.”
One of my favorite Instagram accounts to follow is Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle** (@DrDoyleSays). He is a solid, down-to-earth clinical psychologist who works specifically with trauma and addiction. Through his content, I learned of the term “Trauma Brain.”
Here’s what Trauma Brain is, per Dr. Doyle:
“[… Trauma Brain is made up of] the voices of our bullies and abusers we’ve internalized as programming that influences what we think, how we feel, and what we do. [It] says a lot of mean, untrue sh*t [and] will grab on to a bad day, point to it, and say “SEE? I TOLD you you were absolute dog sh*t. It tells me I’m not worthy of the life I’m supposed to build in recovery.”
It makes me feel a little better that a trauma psychologist struggles with Trauma Brain too (sorry Dr. D). I suppose it’s because that emphasizes just how much Trauma Brain relies on the fallibility of the human condition – in other words, you’re not weak just because Trauma Brain is a frequent or constant visitor. It’s human doubt on steroids (i.e. Gollum).
Inherent in the belief that we are not worthy of love, support, friendship, etc. is an acute sense of lacking in some way. We are “less than” and spend a lifetime and endless moments trying to make up for that deficiency. This sense of not being worthy dictates everything we do, from sticking out abusive relationships to leading a solitary life (because it’s “safer” and who wants to be friends with me anyway when I’m no fun and no one likes me?).
Great, now that’s playing in my head with LMFAO’s music video and all. Moving along.
How many minutes and hours have we not spent analyzing our own behavior and measuring it against some “ideal” benchmark? And let me just put one thing to rest here: this is not as simple as having low self-esteem. Telling a trauma survivor that they just need to be more confident is like Trauma Brain taking human form and telling us to be less pathetic. It’s not helpful.
Some thoughts we might get as we’re hyper self-aware (and critical) might include:
I have invited people to a party, birthday brunch or hangout many times and those people have not shown up on the day of. Enough times for me to feel like maybe I’m just not someone people want to spend time with. Now that I’ve moved and gotten to know some new people, I want to invite them over, but I don’t want to cook/bake and prep and then have no one show up.
Because why would anyone want to hang out with or be with me? I’m unlovable.
This is a big Trauma Brain lie: I am not worthy of love, friendship (a form of love), or a happy, fulfilling life because I’m broken or “less than” in some way. I haven’t walked a “normal” path through development so there must be something wrong with me.
Logically, I know this is a load of horse crap. I’m so much fun to be with, I am loving and supportive, funny, wicked smart and kind. I’m not perfect, but no one is, and I don’t feel the need to measure myself against anyone else. But Trauma Brain does. Without comparison, Trauma Brain has no food for its thoughts.
We lead lives taking mental note of what is good and what is bad – more of this, less of that – so that maybe, finally, we feel like we belong, deserve to feel seen/supported and maybe even deserve to accept help.
We usually don’t accept help if we’re hyper independent and it often stems from a feeling of not being worthy of help. The thought might go: “I should be able to do it alone and if I can’t then I’m not perfect/I’m flawed/they were right.”
A common Trauma Brain lie for those of us who are unnecessarily independent is:
“I’m a piece of sh*t and landed myself in this situation so I don’t deserve help. This thing happened because I am bad therefore I deserve the consequences and do not deserve help in making it better or getting out of it.”
We also often take accountability for things that are not ours to own.
Why don’t we feel worthy of help? You guessed it – because we don’t feel worthy of love. As giving help is an act of love, receiving it is accepting the premise that we are worthy of that love.
Needing someone else’s help (be it financial, emotional, services performed) in our Trauma Brain minds means that we have failed in being infallible and perfect. We strive every day to prove to ourselves (in place of our bullies, manipulators, abusers or absent loved ones) that we are good enough (to not have been abused or left behind).
We get the grades come hell or high water, we excel at the job, we pay our bills, we stay in shape and fight fires on all fronts all so that no one, least of all Trauma Brain, can tell us we’re a piece of sh*t, as Dr. D says.
You are fallible (and that’s okay), you are allowed to accept help, you are allowed to lower your guard, you don’t have to be strong all the time, and yes, you’re even worthy of love.
You’re not unlovable because someone didn’t know how to love you, or didn’t care, or otherwise didn’t show up when you needed them to. How people behave towards you is information about them, not a reflection of your worth.
Remember that.
P.S. I have lots of things in the works, one of which is a list of my favorite trauma-related Instagram accounts (often no-nonsense psychologists). I’ll let you know when it’s up!
** Apparently he has opened his own teletherapy practice, Lived Experience Trauma and Addiction Recovery, as of December 2024. He’s licensed to work in a whole host of states, so check him out if you want someone who practices trauma therapy and isn’t a window-dresser. This isn’t a paid placement and I’m not a former patient, I just really like his content.
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