Getting past your past is one of those concepts that just sounds bumper sticker-y. It’s said by ableists who like to simplify and put things in boxes. Recently, though, I’ve been starting to do that in an ever so small way that feels big to me.
I have started to lift the pressure I have put on myself to look like (i.e. be as skinny and fit as) I used to be 5-10 years ago (because that’s just silly). I am letting go of holding myself to a standard that no longer works for me instead of fat shaming myself into a healthier body (thank goodness I’m not on SkinnyTok).
So many of us, as women, struggle with what our appearance and weight mean to ourselves and others. Taking ownership of our bodies again is important to bring up and lift as a win. This is especially true when we have shaved off corners of ourselves to fit into the molds of our abusers, only for them to fault us for not being the person we were when they met us (appearance and weight included).
My weight has, for myself and those around me, become a marker of my progress “back to myself.” For you, getting past your past might mean something else – it depends entirely on your lived experience.
In July 2023, I was 194lbs. My usual weight in my 20s was somewhere around 136lbs, so I was technically obese by July ‘23. I hated how I looked and felt.
I couldn’t take longer walks without huffing and puffing, I couldn’t stretch the front of my quad because I couldn’t grab my foot behind me, my huaraches are now a size too big, etc. Living in a body that had never been that way before was really hard. I had always been athletic and I absolutely hated myself for “letting” myself get to that point.
Anywho, that’s partly why my weight loss has been such a marker of my progress “back to myself.” But this logic has been flawed.
It suggests that the standard for who I am and should feel and look like is in the past – a past that I hated, by the way. I always put such a high premium on looking great – highlighted hair, cute outfits, etc. I felt so unbelievably rotten on the inside that as long as I looked hot on the outside, I was ok. Everything was ok. Don’t look at what’s inside, just look at my face. Lalalalala. Completely delulu.
Earlier this month, I decided to go through all my old clothes that I had stored for years. I weeded out which ones I can reasonably and comfortably get into as I keep exercising, and which clothes are simply stupid to hold onto. Let’s be honest, that size 2 or 4 ain’t gonna happen.
And I’m okay with that (those 2’s and 4’s were from shedding weight due to anxiety and stress soooo…).
So I donated a whole bag of pants, shorts, and dresses – both too big and too small – and it felt SO good to not pressure myself to be someone I’m not anymore. Getting past your past often means doing away with extremes.
Do I want to be fit? Yes! Do I want to obsess so much over my weight and body shape that I can’t relax or help but hate on myself every time I pass a mirror? That I have no identity besides my weight? That I can’t see past “lean muscle v. visceral fat”? Absolutely not.
I want to look forward from now on, not backward, because I’m not going that way. I am more than just my weight. The fact that I actively decided to let go of old clothes that I had mentally marked as my carrot at the end of a (self) stick-beaten road is a big win.
I’m trying hard to decouple my self worth from my weight and muscle mass. This is why I’m so bothered by comments family members make about my body.
A family member recently sent another member the above picture of me. That person messaged me and said, “It looked like you had a lovely day! How thin and beautiful you are now.”
I know this person meant that in a supportive way. They know that losing weight has been a big focus for me, but what this sounded like to me was:
“You’re beautiful now, finally. You’re worthy of appreciation and approval now. You’re someone worth noticing now. You’re a human being now.”
Because before, I was “less than” or “not human,” or so I felt.
Since when was it okay to make unsolicited comments about someone’s weight, family or not? What they eat? How much they eat? My body is MY business, no one else’s. If I bring it up, then okay, but otherwise that is an off-limits topic.
As you start getting past your past, you’ll start to notice yourself speaking up when something doesn’t sit right with you. Boundaries are not something we trauma survivors (or women lbh) are very good at. If you’re anything like me, you’ve identified a boundary, laid that boundary down, and then never enforced it.
Why? Maybe because you didn’t have the energy for that fight. Maybe the narcissist in your life was just really good at leaving you confused and without words to support yourself. Or maybe you just didn’t believe you were worth standing up for.
The moral of the story is that when we are suffering at the hands of our trauma or mental illness, we often lose what little self-respect we had. One reason we stick around our abusers is that we don’t believe we deserve better in the first place. Our abuser and Trauma Brain point to that one thing we said or did and go, “See!? I told you that you were absolute sh*t!”
Then, as we’re healing (or attempting to heal), we’ll bump into similar scenarios again, potentially triggering a wave of shame. But this time, we have a better idea of what we want for ourselves. We know what behavior is and isn’t okay with us in a dealbreaking way.
It’s times like these that we need to have the guts to stand up for ourselves. We need to set a boundary and then hold others, and ourselves, to those boundaries.
Respecting ourselves means that we believe there’s something about us worth respecting. It means that we have started believing that we’re actually good, funny, smart people. We are not rotten or horrible or “less than.”
It’s okay if you’re not there yet. I’m only just getting there myself.
The day you realize that you no longer hate who you are as a person is a day worth celebrating. Do I still get angry at myself or run through conversations from the previous night, irritating or shaming myself for something I said or did (that probably didn’t even register to the other person)? Yes. Do I love every part of me? LOL no.
But I no longer 100% believe that I am a worthless person – only like 40%-50% of the time. And that is a big win.
The next time you think, “Man, I’m pretty great,” queue talk show applause. Celebrate or mentally hug yourself. That might seem small, but it’s pretty big for those of us who don’t remember what it’s like to feel that way.
Lift the pressure to be perfect. Trash the idea that “not perfect” means “absolutely horrible” and “worthless.” Take yourself for what you are.
You are someone who’s had tough years and is ready to loosen their grip and let that sh*t go.
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6 Responses
Thanks for sharing!
So many good nuggets of advice in this post and such an important message to share. Thank you for sharing your journey and the lessons you’ve learned along the way.
Thank you! I appreciate it 🙂
You look amazing! Congratulations on everything you have done. Absolutely, about being there for yourself, being your own best friend, how wonderful that you were sharing this because I can only imagine how many people need to hear his words and your story. Wishing you all the very best
Thank you lovely! That’s so sweet of you to say <3 We really are our own best friends (or worst enemies).
This was such a powerful and honest read. Thank you for sharing your story with so much vulnerability and strength. It’s so important to have these conversations around body image, shame, and healing.