“Give yourself grace” – sure, I’ll just pour some into my morning coffee. If you’re a recovering perfectionist like me, it can be extremely hard to show ourselves grace when we’ve behaved like an actual human. You know, broken one of our own rules, said something that might sound silly to others, etc.
Does your mind go into high gear too? Do all the things you did or said make you irritated, tense, and/or ticked off at yourself? Do you feel your chest tighten and your heart race or do you hold your breath?
If you’re like me, you might struggle to give yourself grace as you face and accept that you are, in fact, human. A messy human.
We recently had an “Afterwork” or “AW” at work. Our self-named Chief Party Officer (CPO) had organized a barbecue on the lawn area behind the office. There was boule, good food, music (DJ’d by yours truly), and copious amounts of alcoholic beverages. There were non-alcoholic drinks too, but that particular evening I decided to indulge.
For context, a family member who was one of my closest confidants passed away at the end of July. At the AW, I decided that I deserved to just be human and enjoy myself without “should’s” and rules. It was my “give yourself grace Anna and just enjoy the moment for once” moment. Another close coworker is also going through a rough time, so we stuck together.
I shake my head now at the memory of more or less boasting about having a super high tolerance and being able to just “open the gullet” and let the drink pour down my throat without swallowing. For some reason, the coworker who I had been drinking with decided to make it a competition (I wasn’t a fan).
I can confirm that I am no longer able to do this. Our CPO said, “It has to go in too Anna!” as I more or less dumped the drink down my face and all over my shirt.
They laughed. I laughed it off. Sat down. They went on to another subject and I sat there angry with myself for not having been able to do what I used to. Angry that I had boasted of a past I have tried so hard to leave behind. Being silly in front of others is never a problem for me. But being seen as a drunkard at a work event? That terrifies me, partly because it has happened before and aided in my being let go.
I half joked to the coworker next to me that I had to “regain my honor” and he looked confused and said, “Nah, it was a fun moment and that’s all.”
That shifted my perspective. No one else thought I was stupid, embarrassing, awkward, not good enough, etc. It was just me. I decided at that moment to let myself just be human by accepting my imperfection. My human messiness.
When I told myself “give yourself grace” this time, it was for a different reason, but had the same calming and reassuring effect.
Did I spend the whole next day switching between kicking myself for my idiocy and reminding myself to be kind? Yes, but it was a battle worth having because it was practice in reinforcing a healthier and kinder conversation with myself.
After occurrences like this, I remind myself that I am kind, loving, imaginative, creative, and trustworthy. Those are wonderful traits to have and an occasional poor decision does not negate them. The same goes for you.
What have you said or done recently that has festered in your mind? What do you beat yourself up over? If you feel your body tense or want to go LALALALALA whenever it comes to mind, don’t ignore it. Sit with the shame and talk to the part of you that feels ashamed.
Give yourself grace as you confront your imperfection, your messy human side. If we can’t accept kindness and love from ourselves, it’s been my experience that we struggle with accepting it from others without shame, guilt, or high pressure.
It starts with us.
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