Honey, it’s time to leave your manipulative narcissist of a boyfriend.
I can say that because I’ve been there. The waiting, the hoping, the pouring from an empty cup – “maybe, just maybe this time he’ll change his behavior. I just need to tell and show him that I love him and what I need and then he’ll change.”
But he never does.
This is me dropping the other shoe. Enough is enough. You know the relationship is wrong for you. You’ve probably heard the “right package, wrong address” phrase, and it’s true. That’s not to say it doesn’t take two to tango, but your partner has to be willing to dance in the first place. And your manchild – I mean, man – isn’t.
I’ll be writing more about this in a future post, but you can’t love someone to kindness, thoughtfulness and straight up decency. He’s a manipulative narcissist (aka abusive) and you know the signs are all screaming that he’s not good for – or to – you.
Your friends and family don’t like him, he gaslights you for reacting normally to his disrespect, he never follows through on plans (that you made), he would rather play video games than spend time with you, and he laughs at you and calls you weird (signaling to you that something about you or your behavior is “wrong”).
When you do something outside of the apartment, it’s likely brunch or hanging at a bar because that’s what he likes to do. He’s almost incestuously tight with his bros, he venerates his successful best friend and gets some kind of second hand high from living in that friends’ shadow, he says he doesn’t want to be the villain in your story but then doesn’t change the villainous behavior, and so on.
It’s time to stop giving out brownie points for the bare minimum. You deserve the whole meal, not crumbs off the floor. You also shouldn’t have to raise your man.
If you’re not financially dependent on your boyfriend, you don’t have kids, aren’t married and he’s not physically abusive, then you’re likely hiding in your relationship because the sheer weight of everything that will come after the breakup is as heavy as the thought is terrifying. The loneliness. The pretending you don’t know that person inside and out.
You might even need an entire exit strategy if you’re living together: a new room or apartment for you while getting out of your lease and/or finding someone to replace you if you’re renting a room and not the whole apartment, a new commute to/from work, movers, getting your deposit returned in time so you can put a deposit down on a new place, etc.
All while you’re reeling from poison withdrawal (aka your manipulative narcissist ex) and possibly dealing with well-meaning comments from friends and family telling you it took you long enough and “finally!” You might get nasty texts from your ex if you haven’t been able to bring yourself to block him right away (I didn’t because it felt so aggressive), messages that you may screenshot and send to friends or keep for yourself as a reminder of the person he really is.
You might scroll for breakup quotes and inspirational blog posts, all of which sound like smoke-blowing at the time because the truth is, no, you don’t feel like that “badass boss b*tch” and no, a new hairstyle or series of brunches aren’t going to fill the hole.
Positivity culture is not going to help you like yourself or forgive yourself for enduring months or years of abuse. Only acknowledging and grieving the loss of time, health (mental and physical), friends, hobbies, and all the pieces of you that you shaved off to be the person your ex would like will get you to a place where you can start to let go of the pain (and possibly trauma) and start to live in a way that feels right and good for you.
Hopefully, you will start to feel like a weight has lifted. No one criticizes you every day for just being you. You’ll feel the sun on your face, hear the birds chirping, and be reminded of the fact that everything that has been weighing on your heart and mind for so long is not the center of your life story. There are other experiences to be had, other people to meet, books to read, and worlds to enter.
You will start to shed the physical weight you put on during your time with your manipulative narcissist cling-on (your body’s way of storing all the negativity), you’ll drink more water, have an at-home spa afternoon where you use a face mask, do your nails, take a shower, stretch on that yoga mat you never use, and more.
You might find yourself starting to hum or sing along to music again. You’ll talk to friends about something other than your ex. You might decide to explore new places in your city and create a list of places you want to go to that aren’t tied to the (probably few) places you went to with your ex.
Your daily life will start to slowly shift. Your chest won’t feel as heavy. You won’t feel like you’re walking through mud. You’ll feel lighter, but also more tired as you start to allow yourself to feel all the baggage you’ve been carrying for so long. Give yourself time to rest as much as you can outside of work.
Alternate between things that replenish your energy and things that revive your spirit. Heck, make a list if you feel like it – two columns, one for replenish and one for revive. A hot shower might go in the first category, while cooking or baking might go in the second. I like to write things down because it takes me out of my head, but do whatever works for you.
At some point, you’ll need to sit down and really tackle the question of why you were attracted to your soon-to-be ex in the first place.
This might be obvious to you, as it was to me, or it might require some thinking.
I kind of found safety in knowing that I was with someone I would never marry or have a family with. That was never, ever going to happen. Over my dead body. So the relationship was safe in the sense that I knew it was temporary (for 7 years, on and off…). But there are healthy situationships based on mutual respect and what you both want/need at the time, and then there are disastrous minefields of relationships poisonous to the touch. Mine was the latter.
So why have you stuck it out? Is he a “bad boy,” and if so, why is that attractive? Are you afraid of abandonment? Do you need someone, no matter how rotten, to make you feel needed and wanted? Do you not feel good enough as you are for someone who treats you well and with kindness? If so, why? I know this sounds very therapy-y, but did one or both of your parents choose to live without you and you’ve felt like you’ve had to prove your worth ever since?
“Maybe if I just try harder or love harder, I’ll be ‘good enough’ and loveable and then he’ll love me in a kind, supportive, and healthy way.”
Or maybe you’re used to going into survival mode, calm in the storm but anxious in the quiet, and so you look for stormy seas because that’s where you know how to operate best? Maybe you’ve been royally injured in the past and so you look for wounded warriors to love back to life because you know what it’s like to be wounded? Maybe that’s how you explain away all his faults and poor, if not sometimes cruel, behavior – he’s just hurt, after all?
Maybe he is hurting. Maybe he’s not used to being loved. Maybe his self confidence is in the gutter. Okay, and? Why does that give him license to be cruel, careless or just not care? When you’re in a relationship with someone, you have a responsibility to be loving and kind to that person. They have entrusted you with their heart. You do not get to mangle it just because you’re irresponsible and undeveloped.
He’s not a little lamb with a broken leg you can nurse back to health. He’s a manipulative narcissist getting his way by being intentionally abusive (and yes, emotional and/or physical neglect is abuse).
Queue Taylor Swift’s “Dear John” or “I Knew You Were Trouble,” or even Alec Benjamin’s “The Devil Doesn’t Bargain.”
Healing his inner child is not going to heal yours. You can’t heal yourself by proxy.
You can only heal yourself by showing yourself some grace and telling yourself – out loud – that you are safe, you are kind, you are loving, and you’re doing what you’re able to do right now and that’s okay.
Deep breaths. Create an exit strategy then pull the plug on your relationship (and don’t fall into the trap of instascrolling or retail therapy-ing your way through post-breakup).
Once you’ve landed in a place where you can start to collect yourself, take the time to celebrate the shit out of letting go of what’s no longer serving you. Because you’re done with other peoples’ shitty behavior and personal problems.
Your life is about you now, and only you. That’s is a simplified statement obviously, but you catch my drift.
Navigate
Location
I’m based in Stockholm, Sweden.
Sign up for my weekly newsletter to get all the good stuff straight to your inbox (no spamming).
© 2025 Braving Shadows | Privacy Policy