Having what amounts to an adult temper tantrum? We all get upset sometimes for seemingly no reason. We might even think we’re not triggered. This isn’t a trauma and/or insecurity response. I’m just plain ‘ole mad or hurt.
But if your reaction is not proportional to what you think the cause may be, or a number of smaller things pile up that still don’t explain your reaction, then you were likely triggered by something that reminded you of past treatment or circumstance. With that said, the why doesn’t really matter for this particular post.
When that feeling of “everything is sh*t and going wrong” gets to the point where you’re hurting loved ones around you or it’s interfering at work, you’ve gotta check yourself. We’re old enough to know when we’re copping an attitude, with or without cause.
You spill your morning coffee on yourself. You’ve done your hair but it starts to rain. The train is late and therefore packed when it does come. You forgot your wallet at home. Your phone didn’t actually charge overnight so it’s at 23%, and so on. When you’re already feeling like sh*t, these are things that just make you snap.
You know those subreddits where people are like “AITA?” Yes, in this case you are (or are about to be). If you have to be at the office around people, drop your things off at your desk when you get in. Take a short walk around the block or go into the bathroom and just breathe for a couple minutes. If you have a meeting room you can sit and work in, do that.
Your coworkers will likely see on your face that you’re fired up. As soon as I notice that they know something is off, I nip it in the bud. I tell them something along the lines of, “Sorry, I’m having one of those days where everything that can go wrong does go wrong. It’s not you.” That gives them context, you some grace, and you both avoid a misunderstanding.
You’ll just have to apologize and do damage control later. If you live with anxiety, then that email or message may snowball your anxiety into panic. You know when there’s a systematic way of doing things that just takes time? You feel like it would be 100998098% more efficient to just cut to the chase? Maybe you email the CFO asking when your new salary will kick in and when you can expect a new contract…even though your boss hasn’t sent a final summary to you yet.
Yeah, don’t send that email. You’ll have jumped multiple steps ahead and gone over your boss’ head. You’ll have shown that you can’t be trusted to keep your cool on important matters. Sometimes I write down in the Notes app on my phone everything that I want to say and everything I think should happen.
In other words, “These people are f*cking idiots! We go back and forth over and over again about the same sh*t and never get anywhere.” That way, I get it off my chest without actually shooting myself in the foot at work.
Note: be really careful about what app you’re using to furiously message your work wife. If using Slack, use something else on your phone. It’s too easy to send rants to the wrong people.
Cut yourself some slack. If it’s not urgent, don’t start it. Take as few meetings as possible and move the ones you can. We’re human and we’re allowed to have an adult temper tantrum. But we’re not allowed to take it all out on other people. It’s also not safe to do so from an employment status point of view given that we’re often penalized instead of supported when unwell.
If it’s going to take a lot of brain power or involves a lot of detail, then try to leave it until tomorrow. I’ve learned that when my attention is elsewhere, things (unsurprisingly) slip through the cracks. That means that my work becomes sloppy, which might signal that I am not very good at my job. Not exactly the look I’m going for.
Set yourself up for success (or at least not failure) by doing the least you can when having an adult temper tantrum.
As soon as you’re in an environment that allows for privacy or distance from work, let those tears run. Unless you’re still in absolute demolish-the-world anger mode, a big cry usually releases some pressure. Our emotions aren’t as high, we’re not as wired mentally and physically, and we can focus better.
Putting off the cry usually means we end up being nasty to the people around us, including ourselves. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: mental illness and an adult temper tantrum don’t give us the right to be assholes. They do, however, give us an opportunity to exercise some selfishness. In other words: “I need to sort myself out before dealing with others.” This includes reprioritizing and enforcing boundaries.
Don’t put off the cry.
Yeah, you’re not perfect. Thank the universe for that! How boring life would be if we were all perfect according to one set standard.
Grace over shame. Part of what the steps above do for me when I’m really struggling is reduce or prevent the behavior that I know I’m going to shame myself for once the storm has passed. If I set guardrails for myself and operate within those boundaries, then there’s less for my anxious and perfectionist Trauma Brain to hold to my face and say, “SEE!? YOU’RE A DISASTER!”
Now, am I inadvertently telling you to be perfect in your imperfection by following these tips to a tee? Not at all. What these tips do for me is allow me to feel my feels during my adult temper tantrum without costing me my job, and I’m hoping they do the same for you.
You might have a really great boss and/or team who will take one look at you and say, “Yeah, you’re done, go home” without docking it from your PTO or sick days. You might have a job where people are allowed to be human and not perfect little robots that think about the company’s success and bottom line at all times.
That’s awesome.
For those that don’t, let these tips guide you through those days when everything seems to be going to hell in a handbasket. May it at least be a pretty basket.
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