A first therapy session can be scary to think about or go to. A new friend implicitly checked my privilege when she asked:
“Is therapy really not that scary or are you just used to it after 20 years?”
I try hard not to make sweeping statements or say what someone *should* do, but this question reminded me that not everyone is as “come at me, rip off the bandaid, let’s do it” as I am. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I tend to be a bit aggressive with my convictions, but I don’t want that keeping you from the care you may need.
So let’s take a look at what your first therapy session is and isn’t to hopefully alleviate some nervousness around starting therapy.
Therapy is not a process whereby your therapist rips open a wound that you’ve learned to live with. They don’t dive into your trauma and tear it open from the inside out. It is not an invasive, violent process where you have no agency to guide the process or defend yourself. A therapist is not someone you need to defend yourself against; they are on your side.
Therapists are not sadists. They don’t look at you and see a cool case study. They meet you where you are now and listen to you as you share how you feel, what you’re scared of, and what you might want out of therapy (if you even know at this point).
Your first therapy session – or the ones after – is not a “tell me what’s wrong with you so I can tear you open to get to ‘the root cause.’” Going to therapy is not like getting a root canal. It’s an ongoing conversation, a hike that’s easier in some sessions and harder in others but always with someone by your side.
The therapist you meet does not dismantle all the coping mechanisms you’ve built your life around. You will not be left disarmed and defenseless, released back into the wild and left to face your trauma(s) by yourself after 45 minutes.
It always helps me to write down how I’m feeling. Otherwise, I sit and ruminate over this, that and the other. I also know that what I’m sitting and thinking about really stems from something else that I’m not actively thinking about. Once I’ve gotten down to the bare bones of what is worrying or scaring or hurting me, I feel relieved and the racing thoughts and anxiety calm down.
Writing down your worries before your first therapy session is also very helpful for both you and your therapist. Instead of going to therapy and saying, “I don’t know where to start or what all is scaring me or what I want,” you go to your session with more self-awareness. Daily journaling is not something I require of myself. It feeds my pressure to be perfect, but occasionally writing things down has been helpful for me.
To be clear: this is not a requirement for starting therapy. Just showing up to your first therapy session is a win in itself. If doing some pre-session inner work freaks you out or feels like too much, scrap the idea. Just show up to the session trusting that this is something that will serve you long term. You are in safe hands.
Your first therapy session is like an intake form in a conversational format. The therapist might start with asking what’s worrying you or what brought you in. You might not know where to start, and that’s okay. It’s your therapists’ job to help make sense of, or bring some order to, all the “lakjsdf;kjas;dlfkjasd” you’re feeling. One thing is always connected to another. You might jump from story to story or trigger to trigger and that’s okay!
If it helps, think of your trauma(s) (or whatever brought you to therapy) as a tangled ball of yarn. In your first therapy session, you’re holding up that ball of yarn to a trained untangler and saying, “Ok, this is what I need help untangling and I think this thing is connected to this other thing and this is what I’ve experienced living with this ball of yarn.” #help
That’s it. You’re giving and receiving an overview of your situation. Your therapist might suggest what they think could be a helpful way of going about the untangling in future sessions. Then you take a deep breath, book your next appointment, say thank you, and leave.
What else is keeping you from your first therapy session? What are you worried about or scared of? I know it can be terrifying and seem easier to go “LALALALALA” than to face the pain, shame, guilt, inability to forgive, feeling of unworthiness, and whatever else we pile on over the months and years.
I’m currently starting trauma therapy and part of me is terrified too. That said, my conviction that there is life for me without trauma ruling my days, and my being absolutely DONE with letting it define so much of my time and relationships, is stronger than my fear.
You can get there too.
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I’m based in Stockholm, Sweden.
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